Morning pages

 

It creeps and crawls.  It slowly chokes me.  This anxiety.  Especially when I’m alone.  In somebody’s company, however, I am pleasantly distracted and feel uplifted.  There is a clear reason why I feel this way: a prescription adjustment.  Four weeks ago a very tangible shift occurred after my doctor switched me from 125 to 88 mcg of Levothyroxine, and it’s been a sustained feeling of unease since then.

From the first dose in July, continuing on 125 mcg daily through mid-September, I experienced a distinct upswing in energy to the point of overabundance.  At the apex of that about 3 weeks into it, I was beside myself with extra energy and vibrance: too much, like painfully revved up.  Subsequently on the downward slope, my hair started falling out in clumps, the fatigue hung on my eyelids like sandbags, and I felt poorly overall.  Momma called the doctor.

“Your numbers are certainly abnormal.  I need to talk with the doctor before we give you the results.”  Finally the nurse revealed my labs.

screen-shot-2016-10-15-at-6-17-22-am

September 2016

No wonder I felt horrible!  The TSH was severely under the range at 0.005.  The T4 and T3 were the opposite, landing above range.  Consequently, the doctor immediately lowered my dose to 88 mcg.

At that time, I felt a momentary relief.  It only lasted a few days.  Luckily, those few days were spent at the beach, for our first-ever beach vacation in 11 years of marriage!  Hallelujah!  Thanks to my brother & his wife’s family for including us.

img_4617

Riding the waves.

img_4563

My dream come true.

Like I said, the first days after adjusting the medication were a breeze.  Then a depressive feeling suddenly came to visit and stayed for 2 weeks followed by a noticeable swing to his cousin anxiety for these most recent 2 weeks.  Plus I’m clumsy.  I can’t think straight.  And to boot I’m extremely tired.  Feeling unwell, again I called the doctor and had more labs taken yesterday.  In the late afternoon, I called requesting my results and I got the same response from the nurse on the telephone!  “Your numbers still aren’t where they need to be.  I need to talk with the doctor.  Do you have enough medicine to last you till Monday?”  It’s a waiting game until the weekend is over, but I anticipate another prescription adjustment next week when I finally hear back.

At least I have a concrete reason why I feel lousy.

On our wedding bands, at least still visible around the inner surface of my husband’s, is the symbolic inscription: PHIL 4:4-7.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:4-7

Through all of these adjustments, I’ll admit, I haven’t opened my bible as much as I’d like.  Prayer comes easily in short bursts through the day and I put on worship music while I do chores.  Yet, my motivation to get to church isn’t there either.  The ups and downs, the chronic pain, of Hashimoto’s makes me feel disconnected.  Even the thought of all of the energy it takes to get our family of 6 to church drains me to the point where–if we do make it– I just want to sit in the back and not talk to anyone.  Mornings are hard, groggy, pulling myself through by sheer will.  But *inside*, deeply where I’m honest with my heart, I do want to see (and be seen) by others who understand, especially those I share faith with.  Maybe I’ll try and make it to church tomorrow…

img_4612

AIP breakfast.  The beach is my happy place.

xoxo,

Jessica

This has been Day 28 of One Hundred Days with Hashimoto’s.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *